The last weeks have held a tremendous amount of insight and growth for me. The great thing about inner growth is that you can sit quietly and not talk to anyone, yet your whole world suddenly expands.
As I reflected back on why I started this blog, I realized that the original purpose of my posts seemed to have only been the cover up for what was truly laying beneath the surface. While the end of my marriage certainly was the entry point to my writing, it never seemed the most authentic to me. I felt that there was always something missing in the writing.
I have been fortunate to have been able to take these last few month and devote them solely to my inner growth. While I had to battle with all kinds of negative self-talk surrounding my decision to quit my job and not immediately turn around to get myself hitched again with a new job commitment, it has also provided me with the unique opportunity to dive deeper into the inner workings of my soul. I am realizing that I am at one of those rare crossroads in my life, where I have the chance to follow my heart and take a different direction. But when we are faced with those opportunities, they are also super scary. Like feeling the chill in your bones and have it traveling through your spine kind of scary.
Up until this point in my life, I never walked a path that was completely undefined. Whatever I did, there always seemed to either be a societal script that would give me almost step-by-step instructions on what was supposed to happen next, or I had sought somebody in my life who would be the person to guide me in what were the “right or wrong” decisions to make. This is the first time, where I am looking from the inside out and realizing that there are many societal scripts that do not fulfill me and that, if taking on any longer would not lead me further down a life I could be proud of, when the end of the day arrives. This is also the first time, I don’t have a single person surrounding me, whose opinion would mean so much that I would follow their advice rather than my own heart.
Standing in the spotlight of my own life, is something new. It is exciting, but also holds so much pressure. Where I was able to find scapegoats for anything that went wrong with my life in the past – after all, I could say they had told me to do what I did – I would be the only one responsible for any decisions that I make now. Feeling the responsibility that this holds, I understood why so many of us rather find someone else to blame. It can weigh kind of heavy to carry the obligation to make the “right” decisions to have the life of our dreams.
It took a while for it to dawn on me that there is no such thing as a “right or wrong” decision. There are just learning opportunities. For a few weeks now I had pondered, if I failed at the original blog, since I felt it wasn’t fully reflecting the true me. But then it became obvious that it needed to be my entry point or I wouldn’t actually be, where I am at now.
What became apparent to me through meditation and reflective work, is that it is not possible to become our whole true self, if we deny the parts of us that we do not like anymore. We are all the parts that make us, not just the ones that are the most presentable at the current moment.
Recent work on connecting mind, body, and soul in my healing process has uncovered for me that as humans we experience ourselves through the different stages of our lives. The different ages that we have lived and their experiences and emotions are deposited and get stored in different parts of our body. Each of them has their own story of our life from the viewpoint of the person we were, when that part was created.
Many of us believe that who we present ourselves as now is who we are. But I don’t think there are many of us that can say without a doubt that we are constantly living in the present moment. Most of us make decisions based on experiences we had in the past. When we come together at family gatherings, we are often treated like the child we were, when they first got to know us. As much as we don’t want to, we often fall right back into the expectations of that role, as soon as we step into the room of the gathering.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, the past has even more of an influence on my now than I would like to admit. I would like to believe that all the actions I take as an adult are driven by the adult version of me alone, but I have to be honest in acknowledging that the parts of me that have lived my past can have an integral part in my today.
So then in order for me to become WHOLE, it is necessary to not deny the parts that make up who I am, but instead get to know them all, so I know what I am truly made of. Only, if I get curious about all of them and see, where they show up in my day to day life, can I arrange and rearrange my NOW and become aware of which part is showing up and why. Only if I know WHO is showing up, can I make the decision to engage with that part or ask it to take a backseat to give some other part the spotlight.
This is why I have decided to devote this blog to exploring the different parts and stages of my life. I want to find out what each has experienced and how they see the world.
At the same time, I have embarked on what I call “A year of transformation” in which I am meditating 90-minutes daily, taking a photo each day, and answering basic questions about my day. I am curious to see how much this inner work is able to have an impact within a year.
Feel free to follow along in this journey. Maybe there are parts of my journey that resonate with you or inspire you to embark on your own exploration. I plan on sharing my insights; what I am doing in terms of meditation, reading, and other transformational work; and my stories.
I am super excited about this new endeavor and just as curious where it will lead me!