I am starting this blog for myself, so I can discover what makes me tick in order to more easily accept who I am as a person. I am finally given the opportunity in my life to go on a search that I wish I had embarked on many years ago. I have been walking through my life taking on every role that has been thrown at me and most of the time playing it pretty convincingly (thank you very much). Some of the roles, I took on with so much vigor that I had even myself convinced that they are the true me.
Now that I am almost 40 and newly divorced, I get the chance to take stock in who I truly am. Finding out what I like and don’t like, honestly without sugarcoating anything, is the major reason I am starting this adventure. I have to admit to myself who I am, including all the areas in which I wish I were different. But if I don’t write them down honestly, I will not accept and hopefully come to love them.
So here it goes!
The very first thing I know about myself is that I like writing about me. I love books about self-discovery and picking apart my personality type. Sounds egocentric, but I want to be able to say this for the first time without guilt. I do generally like me, despite the constant fear that I am the only one who feels that way. I like the me that is under the surface, the one that likes to be goofy and doesn’t follow the norm. I am not so much a fan of the person that I display to the outside world.
Something in my upbringing has taught me to always be poise and guarded toward the outside world. I even know that I am playing a role most of the time and get tired of it at times, but have no off button. Be nice, be kind, and work hard. Those are the three personality traits that people all around me would attribute to me and the ones that I have learned is what is expected of me.
But deep inside it is not that easy. Deep inside I want to break out of the mold that I have created for myself over so many years of my life.
Nonetheless, this is me today. Over the next year or more, I want to uncover if there is more than this surface persona and how I can share what’s truly inside with myself and the world. I know that there is so much more untapped potential than this facade.